Bob Cairns Calling!

Oh, how I miss our old secretary, Joan!  When I or anyone else in the office happened to get a phone call while seated on the john, she would beat on the men’s room door and shout, “Hey, Bob, you got a phone call!”

Invariably these squatters’ calls turned out to be a buddy of mine calling about a golf date or my wife asking for suggestions for dinner. I do know one thing: it was never the university chancellor calling about the speech I’d written that had brought the crowd to their feet.  

We tried to coach Joan up regarding this hyperactive restroom door knocking, but to no avail.

As I get to my point with this blog, I will say this: Joan was a communicator, and today, there seems to be a general unwillingness to immediately respond to or deliver a message.

Now, I won’t come knocking on your restroom door but, I’ll try to link some examples together here, that support my efforts to be a communicator.

For instance, last week, what wasn’t really all that important to me must have been weighing on my 84-year-old-sister’s mind.

So, when she wrote I dropped her an email.

Dear EA: Hey, sorry I haven’t answered your email regarding the name of our first dog. I think it was Spooky or maybe

Spoofy!

 LOL, Your brother!

Now, was that so hard?

Back to me and this communication thing! I’m aware that my questions or requests have landed on the computer screens of people who have perceived these missives to be me wanting something from them!

Okay, often literary agents or publishers. 

So, in some cases, guilty as charged, but a great percentage of these exchanges (at least from my viewpoint) might just have some value to the recipient. 

Maybe I’m proposing an article or book that could actually have value and, i.e., make these folks a dollar or two. Still no response.

Here’s another example of the polite response that has had me slightly confused.

I reached out to the head of Creative Writing in the English Department at a major university where I managed to stay employed for some 34 years. 

And not being a total bozo, I worked the following points into my email: 

I was NOT looking for employment. 

My only interest was in perhaps auditing courses in creative writing. 

Considering my experience, if I could make any contribution, for example, encourage the students, I’d be pleased to do so. I made this offer letting the recipient know (modestly) that I had been the  university chancellor’s long time speech writer and written his annual report.

Perhaps this was a bad idea, but I did mention that I had a decent amount of my creativity published by national magazines and national publishers.

No, let’s hold the perhaps there. I’m convinced now  that this business about me being a published writer and including my bio at: 

https://www.pastpageturners.com/bobs-bio  

was a bad idea because it probably smacked of me playing “my resume’s bigger than yours” with this creative writing professor.  

But I remain convinced that dropping the fact that I had been entrusted with the chancellor’s speeches and annual report would /or should make any university professor (tenured or not) at least think, well, it looks like this guy might just know somebody in high places.

So, they could, in good conscience, fire off their old form letter email, expressing their  appreciation for the request and their regret that they no longer offer courses with an auditing component. Wishing sender, me, of course, the best of luck with my creative writing.

Oh, perhaps with a cc to the chancellor’s office just in case I actually had worked for him.  

By the way, after a year, I still await that dismissive form letter to land in my inbox.

Now, what one would expect to bring on a rash of responses, we come to the subject of my hiring an Assistant. Actually, offering cash to someone (a student) who might be interested in working on a project for an hourly rate commensurate with their experience as it applied to my project.

Three guesses as to blowback after going to a number of major universities with my request for an employee, to work on a writing project of mine---research, proof reading. Well, as you have no doubt guessed, a tidal wave of interest has NOT flooded my email inbox. 

Ever offer a recruiting tip to a big time university football program and expect a reply? Aren’t coaches master communicators, sending in plays that quarterbacks signal to the team? I suggested an inside track to a major university athletic department, an opportunity to sign a legitimate five-star football quarterback.

My effort in this area was clearly fumbled. No response to my offer.

By the way, that athlete ended up playing for one of the most prestigious universities in the country, thanks, I would guess, to some recruiters there who knew how to audible a signal.

Well, back to the Joan years. I can’t say that there weren’t times when I got rushed off our old office toilet without exactly “finishing my business.” But considering the way of the world today, I kind of miss the knock and call to duty from good old Joan. 

Now, that was a woman who knew how to communicate.